Listen, I'm all for resolutions that help you become your happiest, healthiest self. You only get one body in this life and taking care of that shizz is important. But there is something else that is so, so important and that is.......
PUTTING CAKE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Just look at this gorgeous beast. Those perfectly even lines of frosting. Those stunning orchids and that gold sign declaring that I am indeed, this cake's favorite. There is plenty to share! I'll eat the right side and you can eat the left.
Oh, whaddup girl??? How you doin'? You need a ride? I can give you a lift in my mouth.
Ooooooh!!!! Look at these little baby-cakes! A different flavor for everyday of the week and perfectly sized to go directly into my mouth-hole.
Well, aren't you a dark and mysterious vixen! Is that dark chocolate underneath those fresh cherries?? Are you wearing gold dusted pomegranate wedges?? Stop talking and get in my mouth!!!
What? You don't think think these little beauties are cake??? FIGHT ME!!!!
Oh, sweet lord there are THREE of you. Don't fight, don't fight. I'm a modern woman... there is plenty of me to go around. I promise to treat you all equally and love you each individually (in my mouth).
A classic white adorned with patriotic colors and two hopelessly in love cowboys?? Giddy-up straight into my face!
Look at this sumptuous beauty with her purple roses and frosting looking like watercolors? She knows she's gorgeous and she knows that you know it too. You can put this cake in your mouth right after me.
And now here are these perfect little angels!!! I keep one tucked in each cheek in case of an emergency! (Like running out of cake).
My darling! Did you think I was going to forget about you and that delectable chocolate crumb??? Never! NEVER. Now get in my mouth!!!!
Holy crap, I am THIRSTY. You thirsty? We deserve something spectacular to wash this cake down our gullets.
Oh, there it is. That's the stuff. Ahhhhhhhh.